Category Archives: Fairytale Fallacies

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01/15/2011

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Enchanted Lessons

Enchanted is one of my all-time favorite Disney movies. Being the fairytale fanatic that I am, I absolutely love that there are fairytale classics hidden throughout the movie. But what I love most about the whimsical character of Giselle is that she’s wrong. This “perfect” fairytale character made a mistake. She set her eyes on the wrong Prince and almost didn’t realize it until it was too late.

See, Giselle had been waiting for her Prince for so long that she nearly settled for the first one who arrived on the scene. But she wasn’t made to “finish Edward’s duet”; she was meant to be with Robert. But day after day, she cries, “Edward is coming for me. Edward this… and Edward that…”

I think Giselle represents the typical single woman. We so often set our gaze in the wrong direction. Because we are searching so hard for Prince Charming, we fail to notice that our true Prince has been at our side all along. And while He’s trying to talk some sense into our fantasy-filled heads, we’re too busy singing about “true love’s kiss” to notice.

In my opinion, Enchanted is all about finding a healthy balance between our fairytale dreams and the cynical “welcome to reality” that can be the other extreme. So perhaps true love’s kiss isn’t the most powerful thing in the world, and maybe “happily ever after” is best left in the fairytales. But then again, maybe dreams really do come true, and Prince Charming really does exist – though perhaps not in the form you had expected.

Don’t miss your Prince. Don’t miss your purpose. Release your silly fantasies and realize that true love is closer than you think, because once upon a time, a great and glorious Prince stepped down from His throne with the intention of wooing His bride. For her, He would give His life. Look no farther, young maiden. Your Prince has already come. He has wooed you through the ages, and today He extends His hand and invites you into the dance of eternity. This is the moment you’ve dreamed of all your life. So what are you waiting for?

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12/09/2010

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Tangled Dreams

The other night, I watched one of my favorite fairytales come to life. I have to admit that I was a little skeptical. There are, after all, thousands of ways to mess up a fairytale. How would the big screen convey this classic tale that is so dear to my heart? In a world that vies for true love’s kiss, what will they do with the tears that restore sight to a blind man? But Disney, much to my delight, pulled off the retelling of Rapunzel quite masterfully. While she was much different than I always imagined, I found her Disney persona to be just as endearing as the storybook heroine I fell in love with many years ago. And while I thoroughly enjoyed the entire movie, I find that one scene keeps replaying in my mind…

Rapunzel and Flynn have reached the Festival of Lights. Our heroine leans against the edge of the rowboat, stares into the sky, and confesses that she’s nervous. This moment is all she’s dreamed of for sixteen years. What if it isn’t everything she’s imagined it to be?

“It will be,” a confident Flynn replies.

This makes Rapunzel think of an even worse fate. What if it is everything she’s dreamed it to be? After tonight, her lifelong dream is over. What will she do then?

According to Flynn, the best part of the dream is the end, because you get to choose a new one.

Wise words coming from a man who claims he doesn’t have a dream, much less ever fulfilled one. But there it is. Straight from the mouth of Flynn Rider. The end of one dream is the beginning of another.

I don’t know about you, but that’s something I needed to hear lately. I’m in the same boat as Rapunzel. As I’m on the verge of completing my first novel, I’m nervous about what the end of the dream holds. On one hand, I can’t wait to see this vision fully come to life, but at the same time, the thought of closing the final cover on these characters who have been a part of my reality for the past three years almost makes me want to cry.

I feel like God has laid before my eyes thousands of possibilities. “Pick a dream,” He says. How do I choose just one? How do I determine which is worthy of the next three years of my life?

I think that, just as it was with Flynn and Rapunzel, the answer will be quite clear. When the time comes, I’ll know which one is worth the sacrifice. And so will you.

Look at the dreams God weaves between His fingertips much like He weaved the stars in the sky. Pick one out and carry it close to your heart until the time comes for it to finally be released in all of its splendor.

Don’t dread the end of one dream; embrace the start of another.

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12/04/2010

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Left Behind?

My friend had a baby yesterday, and while I’m excited for her, I’m also kind of wondering when I got old enough to have friends with children.

Weddings used to be simple. At first I attended the weddings of relatives, then I watched some of my friends’ older siblings get married. The fact that they were all much older than me made those weddings seem normal. But when I started watching my friends walk down the aisle, I got a little weirded out. I guess I missed the moment I “grew up” because sometimes it floors me to think that Amber is going to be a mom and Megan’s a wife. What does that make me? Well, right now it makes me the only one of the three cousins my age who isn’t pregnant. I always feel weird when I think of that.

It’s not like all my friends are married. In fact, most of them are still single. Still, somehow I feel a little left behind. And while I’m really not anxious to get married right now, I can’t help but wonder when it’s going to happen and who it’s going to be. Some days I think it would be nice to have a husband and kids, but most days I’m perfectly content with the freedom that comes in being single.

Our problem doesn’t lie in our relationship status; it lies in our perspective. If you’re looking at the situation as if you’re being left behind, then that’s what you’ll be. You might be tempted to give up your other dreams and settle for the next guy who comes along… Or you can focus on the blessings of singleness.

As for me, I’m taking my time, living the journey, and waiting for the day God taps me on the shoulder and points out the man He intended for me to marry. Let all my friends tag “Mrs.” on their names; I kind of like being Miss Rebekah for now.

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12/01/2010

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Sacrifices and Dreams

Wouldn't you like to marry this guy?

I used to think that I’d like to marry a man who sings and dances. Now I know it’s a requirement. What happened, you wonder? I moved away from home and realized that not everyone in the world believes that life is a musical. Most families don’t break into spontaneous song and dance routines in the kitchen. (I know, you’re shocked, right?)

The day I walked into my parents’ house over Thanksgiving, I was already singing. It’s a musical house. Something about the atmosphere makes me burst into song, and something about those laminate floors sets a girl’s feet to dancing. I can’t imagine the home I one day make for myself as being any different. There’s just something magical about the way five voices can join into a chorus of “Whiskey in the Jar” as my parents laugh along.

My future husband must sing and dance. This is a non-negotiable. You may be laughing and thinking I’m crazy, but I’m perfectly serious. Although I already wrote a post about trashing my list of things I’m looking for in a husband, there are still a few things that are permanently ingrained in my mind. I simply choose not to dwell on all of them at the same time, or even one of them for very long. Just because I want to marry a man who sings and dances doesn’t mean I’m taking auditions.

I hope you don’t feel like I’m sending conflicting messages by saying, “Trash the list, but know what you want.” If the list works for you, keep it. As long as the things you’ve set in your mind aren’t distracting you from life here and now, keep thinking about them. Just don’t ever compromise. Know the things that are non-negotiable, but don’t think about it all the time. Here’s my encouragement of the day:

Don’t sacrifice the big dreams, because you may have to sacrifice the small; and one day when you look back, you will have sacrificed them all.

The man doesn’t have to have dark hair and the perfect smile, but if singing and dancing is a requirement, don’t even look at that guy who’s barely squeaking through Amazing Grace. It won’t end well.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my feet are itching to dance…

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11/19/2010

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Love is a Verb

I don’t believe in love at first sight. Attraction, yes. Infatuation, maybe. But love? Definitely not. Love isn’t something that can be developed on the spot. Love is displayed through sacrifice. There’s only one person in the world I would say that I truly loved the moment I laid eyes on him, and that’s only because I had spent the two years leading up to that moment praying for his salvation. So honestly, it wasn’t love at first sight after all; it was love before first sight.

When my brother was asked if he had ever fallen in love, he responded, “Um, love is a verb, not something you fall into.” While I know my amazingly spiritual little brother isn’t the original author of that statement, I loved the definition, and sometimes I need the reminder.

Love is not a feeling. It isn’t butterflies in your tummy or stars in your eyes. Love is a choice one must make every day. I firmly believe that the main reason for divorce is that someone stopped choosing to love. Maybe when the sunshine and rainbows have faded from view and reality sets in, someone realizes that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And instead of fighting through the difficulties, they simply make the wrong choice and give up.

I’ll admit that I don’t always want to love my parents or my siblings or my coworkers, but instead of turning my back and shutting them out, I choose to love them through the difficulties. I choose to forgive their thoughtless actions or irritating habits because I remember there was some reason I started loving them in the first place. At one point in time, I deemed them worth loving. And when I get over my anger, I’m sure I’ll find that they’re worth loving still.

1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love is patient and kind; not envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs, doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Never fails. And according to 1 Peter 4:8 it also covers over a multitude of sins.

That doesn’t sound to me like the definition of love I so often hear in our culture. According to the world, one loves until the feelings last, takes what one wants from a relationship, and walks away when satisfaction is no longer felt. To top it all off, we excuse this behavior with trite sayings such as, “It wasn’t meant to be.”

I’ll tell you what wasn’t meant to be. Love was not meant to be about us; it was meant to be about others. Love means giving until it hurts, sacrificing until you bleed. Love is sharing another’s joy, but also feeling their pain. Love has been known to spend endless nights crying itself to sleep because it is so broken for its beloved. Love doesn’t fade like a passing emotion because it’s not an emotion at all.

Love is a verb. Live like you believe it.

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11/15/2010

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Casually Breaking Your Heart

Casual dating. I think that’s the biggest oxymoron I’ve ever heard. How can something as serious as a romantic relationship ever be considered “casual?” And yet I hear the phrase tossed around all the time. “Well, yeah we’re dating, but it’s pretty casual. I dunno. We’ll see what happens.” Or, “Yeah, I don’t really like him, but he asked me out so, here we are.”

Don’t be deceived into thinking this is just a “Hollywood culture” mentality, either. It has infiltrated our churches. When I confided in a Christian friend that a guy friend of mine was trying to get me to go out with him, this is the opinion she shared with me: “Well, he sounds like a pretty sweet guy, and you seem to get along well with him. I don’t see any harm in two friends casually hanging out and maybe grabbing a cup of coffee.” Really? Well, then I think I’ll just wear a flashing, neon sign that reads: “Hey, I like you back, so keep pursuing me!” That might be a little more subtle.

For me to have gone on a “casual” date with this guy would have been wrong because he would have read much more into the situation than just “grabbing a cup of coffee” with a friend. The truth is, although I could have easily gone out with this guy and remained completely unaffected, I’m pretty certain that the mixed signals I would be sending him could be hazardous to his heart. What would my actions be insinuating to him about our relationship? Saying that you are “casually dating” someone is like saying you’re “just friends.” But friends don’t ask friends out unless they are hoping to be more than friends. Are you getting the picture? There is no such thing as casual dating because “casual” only exists on one side of the relationship.

When my friend’s girlfriend broke up with him, she confessed that she hadn’t known if she really liked him or not, so she figured dating him was the only way to find out. Then she got upset with him when he accused her of playing with his heart.

Personally, I think he had a right to be upset. You know, when a guy asks you out, it is okay to tell him, “I’ll think about it,” or better yet, “I’ll pray about it.” (After all, it’s always a good idea to invite God into the scenario right up front.) I can’t help but wonder how much heartache my friend could have been spared had this girl taken a moment to pray about their relationship and seek God’s will instead of just saying “yes” when he asked her out.

But oftentimes, we don’t pray about it. We simply do what our feelings are leading us to do and “follow our hearts.” Now, that’s probably some of the worst advice you ever received from Disney. Did you know that the Bible tells us that our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked? Let’s face it, ladies – we’re selfish, and our hearts are only catering to our own needs.

So, as a girl who’s a friend of many a guy, I’m begging you, please be careful with the hearts of the men around you. Relationships are not a game. And there is nothing “casual” about breaking a man’s heart. Next time a guy asks you out, take a moment to pray and truly seek God’s will in the situation. If you’re not interested in pursuing the possibility of a permanent relationship with this man, say no. I’m sure the guy will agree with me when I say that temporarily hurting his feelings up front is preferable to crushing his heart a couple months down the road.

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11/10/2010

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What’s the Rush?

I want to know what the world has against being single. I honestly want to know why it seems like everywhere I turn, someone is encouraging me to get married. Why is it that people look at you as if you are somewhat less of a person because you don’t have a spouse? What’s wrong with being single? Why is there such a big push to get married? Don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to be married someday. I simply don’t understand why people act as if I have to get married right now.  

William Booth wrote: “Don’t instill, or allow anybody else to instill into the hearts of your girls the idea that marriage is the chief end of life. If you do, don’t be surprised if they get engaged to the first empty, useless fool they come across.”

William Booth died in 1912 and I guess his words died with him because this is exactly what I see in our society today. It would appear that people think the purpose of a single girl is to find a husband. The single girls feel this way because the rest of the world is all too eager to play the matchmaker. And because of this mentality that has been instilled in our hearts, we are settling far too easily.

I’ve seen many girls give their hearts away to “empty, useless fools.” Somehow, they don’t see that the man is, indeed, a fool. You know the old saying, “Love is blind”? I think the more proper wording would be “Desire is denial.” We’re willing to overlook serious character flaws simply because we so badly want something to work out. I think that accounts for the ridiculously high divorce rate in our country. Denial only lasts for so long. There comes a day when you tire of lying to yourself. And instead of living with their mistake, most people call it quits.

So ladies, don’t let anyone instill in your hearts that marriage is the chief end of life. This isn’t a race to marry before “so-and-so” does. There’s no rush to find Mr. Right. Our season of singleness is meant for so much more than finding a future husband. I’d love to be able to tell you what that purpose is, but the details are something only God knows. Your purpose will be different from mine. Our callings may vary greatly. But you are called to something in this moment. Right now. Please don’t miss that calling because you’re too busy looking for a guy. Mr. Right will come in God’s perfect timing. You must first fulfill the purpose God has for you right now.

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11/08/2010

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You Don’t Marry A Calling

“Do you want to marry a pastor?”

Well, what was I supposed to say to the little missionary lady who smiled up at me so sweetly? I had a feeling she wouldn’t understand that not everyone wants the happy little love story God gave her. I’d like a happy little love story, all right. Just not hers. It’s not that I don’t want to marry a pastor. It’s just that a pastor isn’t the image I get in my mind when I picture my future husband and the ministry we do together. I feel that his ministry is going to be much more subtle. But maybe that’s just me.

I don’t feel called to be a pastor’s wife, but even if my future husband would be called to be a pastor, I would still be called to be his wife. The man. Not the pastor. So the answer is: no, I don’t want to marry a pastor; I just want to marry a man. After all, it’s the man I’ll be marrying. Not the calling. When the dream has died or the calling has been fulfilled, I’ll be left with the man. Not the pastor. It’s the man that I’ll love and live with and care for “until death do us part.” I doubt anyone who is married to a real estate agent puts a lot of thought into the fact that he was called to be a real estate agent. Same goes for the wife of a banker, contractor, or factory worker because when he comes home, he’s just a man and his job at home is to be a husband. So why is it so much different to be married to a pastor? Why is that portrayed as some noble calling? You don’t have to be a pastor to do ministry. God still uses the journalists and the businessmen and even the computer nerds. (I’m not sure how he uses the computer nerds, but I’m sure He can…)

The truth is, I don’t really care what my future husband does as long as it’s what God has called him to do and he’s passionate about it. I’m not going to marry a calling, but a man who is called. And if he happens to be called to be a pastor, so be it. But if I fell in love with the man, I’d even marry a computer nerd. (Just don’t tell that to the sweet missionary lady. She’s pretty set on the pastor idea…)

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11/05/2010

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Courting, Dating, or Single?

I’ve avoided reading the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye for years now. I finally broke down and picked it up, thinking I would suffer through it “for research purposes.” Why the negative attitude? I had previously been misinformed by several people who read it that the book was about courting.

Ugh. Courting is a serious turn-off word for me. I think I dislike courting for the same reason many people dislike Christianity. “Well, Christians say they are one thing, and then they turn around and live just like the rest of the world.” The few people who have described courting to me talked like dating was a huge sin, but when they actually told me what courting was, it sounded a whole lot like dating to me. When I pointed that out, I received responses like, “But with courting, you don’t go to any compromising places together,” or “No, because when you court someone, you are actually planning on marrying them.” Okay then, so you just explained to me the difference between dating and stupid dating. It’s the same thing. The only difference is the name you call it. At least, that’s how I see it. But if you have a better definition that can clear things up for me, please let me know, and I will gladly stand corrected.

I haven’t completely finished the book yet, but after reading eleven chapters and not finding anything but a brief reference to the dreaded “C” word, I think it’s safe to assume that the book is not about courting. And according to author Joshua Harris, it’s not even about dating; it’s about living a pure and purposeful singleness. Even if it’s just for a season.

Ironically, the book I’ve been avoiding for most of my teen years is the same book I’ve been searching for most of my teen years. It was like a breath of fresh air to read the writings of someone who actually feels the same way I do about relationships. It was refreshing to realize that the thoughts that caused me to write a book and start this blog are spinning in the hearts of others like me. So now that I’ve discovered that the book already exists, why am I still writing? Well, I guess it’s because there’s still so much to be learned about passionately pursuing God with your singleness. So I’ll keep embracing the moment, living the journey, and sharing my experiences along the way. Who knows? Perhaps my own dance with singleness will encourage you as much as Joshua Harris has encouraged me.

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10/21/2010

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And God Saw That It Was Good. Period.

I was babysitting a six-year-old girl one day and she told me that we were going to play make-believe. “I get to be the princess,” she declared, “because I have blond hair.” I’m sorry, what? Where did that come from? I figure she adopted her narrow-minded view of hair color from Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Barbie, and the like.

What kind of world do we live in to think that a girl becomes a princess based on the color of her hair? It makes me wonder where our culture’s standard of beauty comes from. The thing I find most interesting is how quickly it changes. Way back in the day, women hid themselves away from the sun in attempt to maintain their fair complexion. Today, you can get laughed at for being “too white.”

What sort of people are we that we could condense beauty to a hair color, skin complexion, or pant size? Where do we get the idea that we have the right to declare a portion of God’s creation as better than the rest? The Bible says that God created everything and saw that it was good. What it does not say is, “God created a size fourteen, average looking woman with brown hair and dull brown eyes, and said that it was good. Then he created a size zero, stunningly attractive blond with sparkling blue eyes and said that she was better.” Go ahead and search your Bible from cover to cover. You won’t find it in there. There is no better or best. God saw that it was good. Period.

I don’t know who the first woman to buy into the comparison game was, but it has been haunting women of every generation for hundreds and thousands of years. We start to think things like, “I wish I had her eyes, her hair, and her smile,” and, “Maybe if I had a figure like so-and-so’s… Yeah, I think I would look better if I just lost ten more pounds.”

I once heard someone say that if you are going to compare yourself to someone, you should compare yourself to your cousins, as they are the people you are genetically programmed to look more like. I think the point they were trying to make is that you shouldn’t obsess over looking like digitally tweaked models in magazines, but what this person failed to consider is that someone has to be the cousin of the models in those magazines. Take it from the girl whose cousins look like they could be the models in those magazines: Comparing yourself to anyone (even/especially family members) is a bad idea.

The point is, God created you and He said that you look good. Period. You are His carefully crafted masterpiece, and He thinks that you’re breathtakingly gorgeous. It doesn’t matter that you think your nose is a little too pointed and your butt is a little too large. When God looks at you, He sees perfection. He sees all the concentration He put into forming you. He sees the divine purpose for which He created you.

Psalm 45:11 tells us, “The king is enthralled by your beauty: honor him, for he is your lord.” In other words, God thinks you’re gorgeous. Stop saying that the way God formed you isn’t good enough because it is more than good enough. This is the God who created the sun and the moon and the trees and the clouds. Everything He makes is perfect – without flaw. Just like Song of Solomon 4:7 where He declares, “All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you.” God made you beautiful. Period. No amount of any culture’s lies can change the fact that you are His creation. God delights in you just the way you are. No if’s, and’s, or but’s. When insecurities threaten to resurface, just remember that God looked down from on high and saw that you look good. Period.