I’ve been emotionally wrecked. From the seemingly trivial losing one of my favorite students to another school, to the deeply personal things God is working out inside of me, to being powerless to keep my friends from making decisions that are wrecking their lives, there’s been a lot going on in this heart of mine.
While preparing to start my day the other morning, I boldly (and foolishly) challenged Life, “What else have you got for me?”
Moments later I came across a message informing me that a missionary friend’s 16-year-old son was killed in a motorbike accident.
Dear God, will it never end?
Tragedy and I communicate on a first name basis. Oh, I wouldn’t say we’re friends. She’s more like that person who makes me cringe when I see her coming down the hall because I know we’re going to have a long conversation that I don’t want any part in.
“Hey, Tragedy, how’s it going?”
“Oh, you know. Just wrecking lives and stuff.”
And by the end of our conversation, I feel tired all over. But I think the thing I hate most about Tragedy is that she makes me feel so insufficient. Because, as I’ve said before, my arms aren’t big enough to cradle the whole world all at once. And this world has wounds that are bigger than I am. And superglue may work just fine for busted heads, but it doesn’t do a whole lot of good when it comes to broken hearts.
I don’t know what to do with broken hearts. I may be able to sweep up all the pieces, but I guess I’m not good enough at puzzles to figure out how to put them back together. And I wish with every fiber of my being that I could put them back together. But all I have to offer a broken heart is my own heart breaking in response.
I feel like I’ve spent the last few days falling on my knees and saying, “Okay, God, here’s my heart cracked open. Do with it what You will.”
And I know that He will.
I know that God is big enough to restore even the most broken of hearts.
So I think I’ll tell myself the same thing I told myself when I lost Maggie five months ago:
There’s still Someone who can make sense of the pieces where others have failed.
There is a God who makes beautiful things from broken things.
And that is the knowledge I cling to when the world rocks crazy and my heart lies in fragments on the floor.
Yes, I still believe in a God who redeems the messes we’ve made of our lives. I still believe in a God who accepts the sacrifice of a broken heart. And I still believe that these paths paved with heartache are ultimately the best thing for me.
So here I stand with heart cracked open, fully and finally alive.