There’s a word that keeps resurfacing in my prayer journal—an adjective I keep using to describe my heart.
My heart is bleeding. Cracked. Broken. Rubbed raw and aching with the harsh realities of life.
Some of it is my fault—decisions I have made, bitterness I have harbored. But some of it… Some of it is completely out of my control. The only contribution I made to that pain was deciding to love too deeply, but I promised myself long ago that I’d never apologize for that.
So here I stand.
Which is why I’ve been silent here of late. The words have slipped right through the cracks in my spirit. And I’m laughing to think that I had all the answers right up until it came time to use them, which makes me wonder if perhaps they weren’t the right answers after all.
Because when your heart rumbles and shudders with the force of an earthquake and your soul rips apart at the seams, you find that answers aren’t a strong enough foundation for the process of rebuilding your life.
So what is? What remains when everything else lies in ruins?
It’s simple, really. Simple and short and perhaps a bit cliche:
When answers fail—when words are rendered worthless—love remains.
…Which is a difficult concept for a writer to wrap her mind around. You see, words are pretty much my life. I live off them and in them and for them. I’ve read as many as fourteen novels in a single month and still didn’t get my fill of them. Words. Piles and piles of words.
I’ve never believed in letters that don’t wrap around from front to back. I’ve never learned to stay within the margins of my pages. And when I’m broken, I resort to poetry and prose.
But I realized just the other day that I often fill the silences with fluff as if I’m afraid of fresh, white pages. I realized just now that I craft entire paragraphs when only one sentence is needed. And maybe the message I’m trying to get across is found somewhere in that 500-word-essay, but there’s a chance it got lost amidst all the scribbles in the margins. And after all my assurances, condolences, and cliches, you still stand there. Bleeding.
Because I gave you pages of poetry when all you needed was a simple confession.
“I know that you’re broken. I’m broken, too. But I’m okay to be broken for you.”
Maybe all I needed to say was, “I love you.”
As cliche as that sounds, I love you.
Yes, even in this.
Or maybe I don’t need to say anything at all.
Yes, I think for now I’ll just remain silent and bleed right along with you.