“Absence has a presence, sometimes, and that was what she felt. Absence like crushed-dead grass where something has been and is no longer. Absence where a thread has been ripped, ragged, from a tapestry, leaving a gap that can never be mended.
“That was all she felt.”
When I first read those words in the midst of Laini Taylor’s Dreams of Gods and Monsters, they jolted me from the story as I realized, yes, this is a thing. A thing I have never heard described so aptly or beautifully.
Absence has a presence, sometimes. I’ve experienced it throughout the course of my life. Dying dreams, crushed hopes, and insufferable loss steal everything and yet leave something with you.
Absence. A great, gaping absence.
Words like these sing to me, making their way into my journals quite often. Maybe I just like the poetry of them, or maybe I have deeper issues that would require years of extensive counseling to unravel, but these are the things that come to mind when the world rocks crazy and I am at a loss. These are the words that resonate when my knees hit the carpet and the floodgates release the tears from my eyes.
But this morning, as the absence started creeping into my soul, something else crept there, too.
“All she felt,” the quote said.
But wait. That doesn’t have to be all.
But wait. There is more than absence like crushed-dead grass and tapestries ripped ragged.
As I found myself on my knees, in the beginning stages of grieving a gap that can never be mended, I remembered something…
God is, and always has been, the God who gives and takes away. He is, and always will be, good. And if He is good, then every single detail He has orchestrated in our lives is designed to bring good. Every joy. Every sorrow. Every tragedy that rips the very breath from our lungs.
The absence is intimidating. Its presence is strong. But is it all I feel?
Sometimes it is. Sometimes I find myself wanting only to sink down into the depths of it and never resurface. Sometimes it tries to swallow me up forever.
But it is not all there is.
When I turn my face toward the heavens, I find there is peace. There is grace, and joy, and hope.
And the absence? It’s a lie.
Crushed-dead grass can be renewed by the breath of the Creator. Tapestries can be remade by the hand of the Master Weaver.
Absence is not the only thing that has a presence. Not the only thing that can be felt.
Hope has a presence just as strong. Joy is a tangible thing. And grace is always there for the grasping.
Even in this. Yes, even in this.