“Do you dance?”
It was perhaps the first question he ever asked me. I answered with a nervous laugh and a shake of my head. “No.”
Before I knew it, he had taken my hand, pulled me close, and started twirling me in a too-small kitchen.
Well, hello. Nice to meet you, too.
“You can dance,” he chastised me after a moment had passed.
“I can follow,” I countered, because somehow it didn’t seem to count as dancing so long as someone else was doing all of the creative work. While I’ve always longed to move my body with all the grace and confidence my sister displays, I simply can’t.
Two simple words. Five little letters dotted with the apostrophe of finality.
It’s hard to imagine a phrase so small could have the power to undo you, but it does. Over and over again, those words have confined me, strapping me down to a small existence where new limits are not reached.
My word for 2018, I quickly realized, is Horizon. Really, it’s a phrase: Bring Me That Horizon. (What can I say? I’ve always been obsessed with the pirate’s life.)
While the horizon is most commonly known as the line at which the earth’s surface and the sky appear to meet, it also refers to the limit of a person’s mental perception, experience, or interest.
In other words, it’s the “I can’t” moments. I think I’m supposed to conquer them this year. So I’m trying to face them head on—all those moments I instinctively greet with a, “No way, Jose.”
As I’ve been intentional about catching these thoughts, I’ve grown discouraged by the sheer volume of them. I had no idea how often I shut myself down.
“Really bend your knee and push that blade into the ice,” Kim coaches.
“My legs are not strong enough to hold that position. I can’t.”
“You’ve got to commit,” Gabe says as he instructs me through a front flip on the trampoline.
“It’s hard to commit to breaking my neck. I can’t.”
“Loosen your hips and move with it, girl!” Caleb calls as I’m tossed about on a mechanical bull.
“That defies every instinct of self-preservation in my body. I can’t.”
As I am my own worst critic, I don’t think it’s an accident that this challenge has come on the tail end of my Year of Together. I’ve gathered some pretty fantastic people (see above) who often give me that little boost of encouragement I needed. I’ve learned to take them at their word even when my doubts want to tell me they’re wrong. I am not a backspin prodigy; I can barely get my left foot off the ice for one rotation.
But I’ve learned to trust those voices. I’ve learned to lean into them and let them give me the strength I didn’t know that I had.
And a funny thing has happened to me over the last few months. I’ve become brave enough to dance in public—even when there is no one to follow. Because, surprisingly enough, my hips know how to move entirely on their own. Suddenly, they feel beautiful and confident and maybe even a little bit graceful. (And, if Shakira is to be believed, hips don’t lie, so it must be true.)
It’s amazing what a world of possibilities opens up when we stop telling ourselves we can’t and instead start whispering that we’ve got this. That this new challenge is going to be difficult, but we are strong and capable of conquering it.
I hope you’ll be brave enough to tell yourself you can.